oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
