Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
accomplished twins. life is a go
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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