Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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