my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
