I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
