i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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