I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
