five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
