I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I cut my penus on the lid.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
