doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
