Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
