No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
