Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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