i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
