Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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