I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
