I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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