dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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