It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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