She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
