I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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