I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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