I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
