He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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