he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
