Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
