y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
