My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
