the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
