Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
