i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
