My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
