I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
