dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just had sex bonerless
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My dick has a subreddit
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize