Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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