I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
