you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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