im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
