Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
