ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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