I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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