I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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