Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dignity is for republicans.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
