I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
