I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
