The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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