So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
