I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
