I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
