woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
