how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
