I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
