I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
