I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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