guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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