well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
