my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
