i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
