Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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