just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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