I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
