I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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