I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
