I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize