When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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