You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
