my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
