so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
