life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think my vagina is haunted
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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