I could make wine with my vomit
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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