C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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